I've never suffered from allergies before. Ever. Not when everyone else around me was reduced to a sniveling pile of tissue and snot. Not when sneezing was so frequent it became the new slang. Nope, uh-uh, not me. Until The Smoodge came along. And now I'm either allergic to her, or allergies are contagious and she gave them to me. Either way, I'm putting this on her.

It feels like my brain is slowly dripping out of each of my nostrils every waking moment. Not even my Neti Pot can make my life better, because one nostril is always so stopped up that the water can't drain out of the other side. And I love my Neti Pot. Granted, I don't look NEARLY as attractive as the girl in the link above (you KNOW she's workin' it) when I use it, but still. I should probably be using it more proactively than reactively, and then I wouldn't have to deal with the fact that my eyeballs have reached a temperature comparable to that of the sun's core. And speaking of the one nostril stopped up, what's up with that? Seriously? For me, it's never the same side, always jumping back and forth like my nose hairs are playing a game of snot ping-pong. I've been dealing with this for at least a week now, and it's a contributing factor to why I'm not sleeping very much. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm perilously close to taking The Smoodge's snot sucker thingie they gave me at the hospital and going to town, not stopping until I can feel my tonsils getting sucked in. And then there's that oh so attractive SNIIIIIIIIF that you can't stop. It's this impulse that you can't control until you hear yourself mid-sniff and realize the papers on your desk have begun to flutter towards your face from the wind tunnel spouting from your one clear nostril. You never really notice how quiet it is in your office until you hear that sound echoing back to you from across the room. Oh, and the sneezing. Look, I don't have the best bladder control in the world. I'm not saying I gotta wear Depends or anything, but a couple of kids and a catheter or two will screw up your pee functionality more than you'd like to admit. And while I have not yet had an incident where I've had to go home, I've certainly had moments where I've questioned it. I'm Twenty Freaking Seven. I should not have to carry a spare pair of drawers for allergy season.