Mark This Date...I'm Using Restraint.

So I don't do political posting, right? No really, I don't. Which is why all I'm going to say is this.

To all you douche bag politicians out there who think that the REPUBLICANS organized the town hall meetings that all went horribly wrong (in your eyes), guess what? If we had THAT kind of power, you really think your guy would have made it into office?

And I'm done. Thank you, and goodnight.

See? Restraint!


Email Marathon

This is going to be a long post. I suggest you go get a beverage. Maybe a snack. And a Xanax. And bring me one.

Being a single mother is hands down the most difficult task ever. You go through things that you could never prepare yourself for in ways that you could never imagine. And that's just you and the kid. Throw a bitter ex husband in the mix and well, the fun never ends. And by fun I mean the overwhelming urge to have the taste of metal from the end of a shot gun in your mouth.

One of the tricks of the single mother trade, unless you're well off, which I am not so much, is juggling finances to make ends meet. I mean, is it the car payment or dinner? Phone or running water? So while the bills get paid, every now and again a situation arises where it may not necessarily be on time. Which brings me to the beginning of this story.

Last month my sister got married. In a location that is 900 miles away from where I currently live. At the first part of the month. Which is not such a good time for me. I mean that's when the bulk of my bills go out. And I was glad I was able to go. But in order to be there, I had to tap into that financial juggling I've gotten so good at.

Surprisingly enough, the only bill that was really going to need to be creatively adjusted was my car payment. So I got on the horn with them, explained to them I was going to need a little flexibility for the next couple months of payments, and we worked out a weekly payment plan. Everyone was happy, everyone understood, and the world was right. A week and a half ago, I was completely caught up on what I owed to the bank on the car. Which is why I was completely surprised to receive this email this past Wednesday:

Will you ensure that you are paid up with {the car people}? They keep calling and sending letters asking for the car payment on the Lancer to be made. Last month it was because of partial payment, and this month they say the payment has not been made at all (Due August 15th). The calls started out as courtesy calls and now are demands for payment. Please take care of this matter promptly.

I literally had no idea what he was talking about. Soooo, I responded like this:

Not sure what you are talking about. The account is up to date and has been for months.

Because, well, it was caught up. The bank hadn't been calling me, and until these last two months, it hadn't been in the red. And the fact that I was making payments kept it from even being that. So I truly was confused as to what the email was for. Note how the emails up to this point are friendly, casual, not really all that interesting. Here's HIS response:

If by up to date means late then you would be correct. For your convenience I have attached the two most recent copies of the bill sent out by {the bank people}. You were 30 days past due and it was reported to the credit bureau by not paying the mnimum amount you owed for the month of July and you still have yet to pay for the August payment.
Instead of denying it, see that it's taken care of. I am still part owner of the Lancer until you pay it off. As you may remember, the court awarded the Lancer to you as part of the divorce decree. However, they cannot supercede the loan agreement, which, by proxy, means that until you refinance it, or pay it off, the Lancer is still part mine.

Can you say tool? Now was that really necessary? I'm thinking no. And it kinda set me off. I mean, I let him talk a lot of shit to me in the interest of keeping things calm for The Monkey. I bend over and take it in the interest of the kid. But this? Really? So I responded:

Dear James,

Gosh. You sound so frustrated. Which is understandable seeing as how your credit is being messed with. I can completely understand though. See, I have this ass hat of an ex husband who does everything he can to get out of paying for his portion of our daughter's medical bills; delay tactics, denial, blah blah blah, yet has plenty of money for new clothes, expensive watches and sunglasses, trips to Hawaii and New York, the list goes on. You know that he even cancelled her dental and vision insurance to save a buck? Despite the fact that she's got a huge under bite that's going to cost quite a pretty penny to fix. And then there's all the genetic issues that could arise. But what does he care right? So long as he can cater to his needs, and believe you me, they are some preeeetty materialistic ones. Its not affecting his credit at all. Instead, I've got, ooooh, probably 10 or so lines of bad medical credit from her bills stemming from his refusal to be held accountable in a timely fashion. And you know, I'm trying, but it just gets hard. I mean, I am a single mother in a one income household. Do I try to pay what I can when I can, including his portion, to keep it off my credit? Do I wait for him to hold up his part of our divorce decree, which in one case is currently a year and a half outstanding? Do I drag his benevolent behind back to court, which is just going to cost me more money, and really isn't going to force him to do anything. And then there's always the option of sending all his emails and delinquencies to his boss and coworkers. Really not anything they are going to do about it, but can you imagine how red his face would be if he knew his fellow employees saw his dirty laundry? *GASP! Decisions, decisions, ya know?

But hey, this isn't about me. This is about you. I'd say if there's only been one time that your credit has been affected by a non-payment, you're doing pretty f-ing good. I'm in a position now financially where I could easily just park the car in a lot somewhere and let it get repossessed. What would that do to your credit James? But just so you're aware, the account is up to date. Due to circumstances that are none of your business, Wells Fargo was completely aware that the July payment was going to be late, and I set up a weekly payment plan with them to get current through the August payment. The July payment was not ever more than 30 days outstanding. But nice try. Since you're so concerned about it, the account has been up to date for at least a week prior to your shitty little email. The only letters that I was getting from them were confirming my weekly payment, and I never once got a phone call. See, I know how to handle my business. And if you don't like how I'm doing it, you can go twist off.

You've mentioned high horses in other emails. Who's up on one now? But thanks for writing. As always its been an experience. You have a great day now, ya hear? Kthxbai!

Now, I realize that for some of you who aren't privy to all the other crap I get put through this is probably a little much. And I'm sure there are some of you out there thinking that its uber important that he and I have a good relationship. To those of you who think that, I say eat crap and die. You haven't walked a mile in my shoes, and just like I'm not sitting here judging you (ok maybe a little, but only because you are actually reading this, not for anything really substantial) for the things you've done in your life, you don't get to judge me for mine. And if you do know me, and all the crap I get to take for this guy, then you're totally cheering right now. Because that email up there? Was a long stinkin' time coming.

But I digress. You want his response? It's priceless. Here we go:

Did that make you feel better?
See there's a difference between credit with banks vs. medical credit and when you are late with those creditors it affects you much more so than it does with medical bills.
I've had to deal with my credit being in the negative. One, I had a partner who would never hold her end up and could never keep a job since everyone else was "out to get her" and then there's this other thing called a divorce where I kept paying all her bills on top of mine, plus child support. Now it's a much different picture, I have a partner who has a good job and helps out with her share.
I believe I have paid all medical bills that have been sent other than the most recent which had to do with the Geneticist where you stated that I should be the one responsible for the whole amount. So if you haven't sent me any other bills that are pending, I can't help that.
What's this about an underbite? First time I've heard of it. I'm not sure why, as a concerned parent, you would one, not tell me about something wrong with Maura, and two, why you would go and get her teeth checked out, knowing she had no insurance. Good job on the communication. Maybe it would be easier if you had a cell phone that sent emails. Oh, wait, you do.
As far as you sending anything to my employer, what is there that they don't know. Let's see, there's the time you tried to get me fired with the "burglary" and then there's Alamo Heights where you tried to get me fired. I passed all my polygraphs, so I don't know what it is you think they don't know. It's kind of laughable that you mention my employer. They ask how things are going about every other week. I've taken enough polygraphs to know I don't lie well so I just tell them the truth. That kinda arrangement works for me.
I'm sorry that you worry so much about the trips I go on and the things I wear, they're really none of your concern. I pay my child support and provide health insurance. I also buy clothes and shoes for Maura as well as anything else she needs when she's with me. As I've said in the past, If you would like to provide additional health insurance or dental insurance or vision insurance there's nothing to stop you, you stated that your financially stable enough, and that being the case then you shouldn't have a problem refinancing the car so I won't get statements or bother you with emails concerning the Lancer.
Anyway, I'd rather be in the right than be clever. Kthxbai!

Now at this point I have a couple of options. I can respond, being my ever cheerful, glib self, or I can stop the madness. But you know what? I'm kinda having fun now. I mean, this is two and a half years of a fight brewing. And the best part? I'm not even angry! No seriously! I mean, he's saying all these things, and for me what it's really boiling down to is who has a better 'yo mama' joke. I can totally see him getting his panties all up in a bunch! And its FANTASTIC! So do I respond, or do I walk away?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I RESPONDED! And giggled the whole time, I'll have you know. You can't PAY for this kind of therapy. Here it is:


Thank you for your email. It was everything I'd hoped it to be and more. I really do hope we can keep up this kind of open communication, since, well, it makes you look like a complete and utter douche.

Since you had your little last stance about rather being right than clever, and you were actually neither of those things, I'm not even going to respond to most of your email. It's just faaaaar to easy, and I'm kinda tired. I'd even go so far so to give that little battle of wits saying, but it just wouldn't be fair.

I am, however, going to say this about Maura's under bite. Why didn't I ever mention that to you before? Well, honestly, because I thought you had vision. ARE YOU F-ING KIDDING ME? Do you ever even look at your daughter? Are you blind? I mean, I'm trying to help you out here with an excuse as to why you would miss something that is wrong with your daughter that is LITERALLY AS PLAIN AS THE NOSE ON HER FACE. But I'm glad you put that into an email. That's gonna come in handy. This is gonna rank right up there with you being in complete and utter denial and actually blaming me for her acid reflux, liver levels, and gall stones. How'd that turn out for you?

No, I haven't taken her to a dentist. As with all of her medical appointments, you've been made aware of them prior to her attending. Have you been made aware of any? I think not. And of course I would tell you. I mean, how else am I going to be able to confirm you won't be there?

As for the Lancer. Nope, not gonna refinance. Where would be the fun in that?

Wow. I guess I had more in me than I thought. But now, I'm sad to say, I gotta hit the sack. Gotta be in top form for your response, cuz I KNOW it's gonna be a good one. Kthxbai!

(oh, and stop quoting me. I mean, I know I'm cool and all, but you don't get to anymore. I'm pretty sure it was in the decree).

-sent from my Palm Pre (that's a cell phone btw...)

This strain of emails has done far more for me than any time on a shrink's couch, any amount of meds, and definitely more than the liquor cabinet ever could (and that's saying a LOT). I've never felt so liberated. Exhilarated. No seriously! I've sat and fantasized about all the things I would do to him, where I'd hide the body (or bodies), alibi's, oh the list goes on. And it helped, it really did. But these emails. O.M.G. It would almost be worth talking like that to him all the time.

But I won't. Because it really is about trying to keep the peace for The Monkey. And these emails are probably not conducive to that happening. So if he responds, no...wait...WHEN he responds, two things will happen. One, I'm totally gonna post it on here. And two, I probably won't write back. I say probably because, well, sometimes there IS a need for a response. But I am gonna try not to. Like a real try. Not like that time I tried Cardio Kick Boxing. Seriously, who is that big of a masochist?


Maternity Test

So about three years ago (OMFG), I was pregnant. I know this because pregnancy leaves me with PTSD. I hate it. Its horrifying. But that's me. Anyway, after this pregnancy thing, I gave birth to a baby. A tiny little beautiful miracle of wonder that almost, ALMOST, made up for the whole pregnancy thing. Somewhere between then and now, I'm pretty sure my kid got swapped out.

When I was younger, I had this irrational fear of costumed folk. I don't mean like around Halloween. Or even clowns. I mean those people whose job it is to don a monkey suit and jump around like idiots to the merriment to most other kiddos. The two specific instances I can remember is at Show Biz (which is what Chuck E Cheese used to be) and at a place in Denver called....oh crap...mmmm....OH! Casa Bonita (yeah I googled Denver Mexican places. what.). Both of these places had gorillas that mingled amongst the folk. Granted, they were people in costumes as gorillas, but whatever. In my head, they were real. And freaking TERRIFYING. No joke, I would hide under the table. Shivering in terror. As these....monstrosities would walk past the table I was simply trying to finish a meal at. And yeah. I still get shit over it from my family.

Which brings me back to why I think my kid was swapped out at some point. She. LOVES. The costumed people. She has yet to meet one she doesn't like. She will run right the hell up to them, hug them, grab their hands, touch them, whatever. No fear.

We went to Sea World today (side note: I just spelled World wrong in every possibly way before getting it right) for some fun in the water park, then headed up to the big gazebo thing for some grub and a show. Which is where every SW (so much easier) performed in a show. And my kid? Hugged all of them.

Look at her. She's totally cheezing it up with this guy. Granted, the stripped shirt and sailor cap does make him significantly less scary than a gorilla, but still. And yes, that bottom picture? That's her smiling for the camera. Why do kids do that? It's like they loose all control of their facial muscles in a desperate attempt to say cheese. Who came up with that anyway? Cheese? Really? When I think cheese, I think about how many days it'll be before I get to take a crap again, and THAT is nothing to smile about. But I digress.

Here's the little traitor with Dolly the Dolphin and Shamu. She charged the stage a couple of times to get at these two. When she got up there, she immediately started petting and chatting and holding hands. It was a regular little love fest. Weird.
She hugged this one for so long it actually became uncomfortable. I almost asked if she needed a minute alone or what the hell. I took the picture, and actually had to drag her away from him. She kept wanting to huuuug and saying 'Tayn Too.'
Sidney the Shark. How did this NOT scare the bejesus out of her? I'M a little scared of this guy. But the monkey? Nooooo, he was the only one left, so she HAD to run over to him. She grabbed his hand (or her, not sure how that works), hugged him, then turned around and made her cheese face.

Had it been me at that age? I probably would have admired them from a distance, been slightly jealous of all the other kids running up to them for hugs and cheese faces, but when the time came for my turn? Yeah. Would've dived right the hell under the table. Pretty sure this isn't my kid.