Showing posts from April, 2008


There are so many things that I could/should be doing right now. But I'm not. I just finished with what sucks most of my will to live at work, and I just don't know that I have the mental capacity to handle anything else. It doesn't help that my iron levels are are now at a negative number and I'm drawing energy simply by the intravenous port of Diet Coke and Laffy Taffy. I'd love to be able to think of something fun to blog about right now, but there simply isn't anything going on. So instead, here's a few things I've thought about blogging about.

1. The only thing that keeps me going sometimes is laughing at other people's names. Now, I could get in trouble for listing them here, but hey, I doubt they read this, and if they do, they know their name is funny. And if they don't, now they will.
Claude Balls
Dick Cram
Terrence Philips
M. Shatley
Hope you enjoyed those as much as I do. There are more, these are just the ones I laugh at the harde…

Spurs Fans?

I'm watching the Spurs game tonight against the suns (duh), and it's half time. So I go outside on my balcony to enjoy the fresh air for a minute, and I notice lots of activity in the fitness room. Upon closer inspection, I realize that there is a VERY large woman sitting on a weight bench, very obviously NOT working out, but instead staring up at the TV. There's a very skinny man walking around the room, and on the floor are at least two pallets where two children, perhaps 3 are sleeping. Oh, and then there's the cooler of beer that some other skinny dude just took in. To the fitness room. Where you are supposed to be working out...

They put the ass in class, that's for dang sure.

Too Big

Apparently, The Smoodge is now not only too big for me to rock her to sleep at night, but is also too big for me to hold her while she drinks her milk.

I won't be shocked at all if next week she is screaming about how much she hates me while getting her 3rd piercing.



I just checked my email and this was what was in my inbox. Did not see this coming...nope, no siree Bob...

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One of our professional Catering Managers, Marie Landacre or Judi Gullo,will be following up wit…

Do you have one of these?

Have you ever met one of those people that just has done everything, seen everything, owned everything, blah blah blah blah BLAH? And if not them, then their uncle? Or sister? Or third cousin twiced removed by the Holy Spirit's uncle's mother's grandfather? Sheesh. Everything is always so dramatic and drawn out and that's ABSOLUTELY how things are and have to be forever and ever amen.

Oh, and all a big fat lie as well.

signed by,
~Uterine Overlord


I have found my calling in life.

On a side note, studies conducted in my apartment says that chocolate, no matter regular or dark, IS good for you.

Parades and PMS

You know those big balloon thingies they have in the parades? The ones of characters like Snooper or Wonder Dog or Spiderman? They're all rounded and kind of glide around bumping off of random puffs of air like a giant weeble wobbles in the sky. That's how I feel right now. I feel like I am putting on my own little Thanksgiving Day Parade everytime I walk by someone's cubicle. I'm so stinking bloated. It's all part of my uterus's master plan to not only kill me, but convince me to take down others in the process. I have my Air-Zooka on stand-by for just that reason.

And my goldfish are burnt. My Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Baked Snack Crackers FLAVOR BLASTED with Hot'n Spicy Cheddar. Burnt. Bitches. Don't think that in my current mental state (being controlled by the Uterine Overlord and all) I'm not writing a nasty letter to Pepperidge Farm right now. Screw up my lunch will they....

Have YET to stop laughing

Oh good grief, this cracks me up every single time

Half Days Rock My World

As you may have deduced from the title, today is a half day at work, which I could not be more excited about. It's like my own little tiny vacation. Yea!

So the last couple of days have been kind of mentally exhausting, and it's mostly because my uterus has been making preparations for my killing as well as everything else on top of it. Like what, you say? Well, I'm glad you asked.

So Wednesday started with The Smoodge and the Geneticist, which I'm pretty sure is the sequel to Beauty and the Beast, but I could be wrong. Anyway, except for the fact that we had to get up early and drive through morning rush hour traffic to downtown, it was fairly boring. They took her vitals, had a genetic counselor come in and verify some information, had a medical student come in and verify some more information. And can I just say this about the information verification? What is that all about? I wrote it didn't I? It's my address or really think I'm going to …

Is This Day Over Yet?

Oh my god am I tired. Today was probably the longest day in the history of days. Ever. And I'm so exhausted from it I barely have the energy to type this.

The Smoodge had an appointment with a geneticist today.

I stop there because I simply don't have the energy to get into the whole back story of why, and all the clever and witty repertoire I had in store for this entry has completely left me. And I can't get into how the appointment went without wanting to over-analyze the day, and did I mention how tired I am?

So instead I'll say this. I had high hopes for the American Idol Lord Andrew Lloyd-Webber episode, and instead I was left with the butchering of some of the most incredible music of all time. If you haven't seen the episode, let me save you the time of suffering through 6 performers when the only two worth a crap are this one and this one. The rest, my cat farts with more musicality.


Tuesdays are a bad day for me. Tuesdays are not a day for you to attempt to talk to me if you are associated with the company I work for in any way, shape, or form. This is not secret information. This was instilled into my co-workers brains by my predecessor, and I have done what I can to carry on this tradition, even bringing weapons into play. So on these Tuesdays and occasionally Wednesdays and on really bad weeks Thursdays of Death, I put my phone on Do Not Disturb. This means two things: 1. DON'T FUCKING DISTURB. and 2. I have to manually answer when someone intercoms me. Which I stupidly did a few minutes ago, and this is the conversation that ensued:

ME: (pushing speaker button) Yes?
Receptionist: Hey, are you in the middle of something?
ME: (hand searching for sharpened pencil and gripping it tightly) Yes, payroll
Receptionist: So are you busy?
ME: (pencil snapping in my hand) YES
Receptionist: Oh okay..... Brian with the supp…

Tattoo Story

My friend Tina is this striking woman with very fair skin and VERY black hair...very Betty Paige. She is also very tattoo-ed. Now keep in mind, it's not like she has a tat here and some ink no. She's got them on her chest, on her back, on her arms, on her legs...pretty much everywhere. Any quick glance in the mirror after a shower, or hell, even fully clothed, would show that she has more painted skin than plain. A few months back I did a pin up photo shoot of her just for kicks and grins, and while sorting through my images, we had this exchange:

Tina: Those turned out really well! I'm surprised at how hot- wait...
Me: What?
Tina: I didn't realize I had that many tattoo' come nobody said anything?

I understand how you could forget about having one or two tattoos. I've got a 6 inch panther on my right thigh and it will occasionally startle me because I've forgotten it's there. But this? Seriousl…

Master of Disguise

She's WAY cuter than I am. And don't think she doesn't know it. She has turned into such a little manipulator. How can you say no to a face like that, even if it is hidden under a polka dotted hat and sunglasses?


The Smoodge and I went on our normal Saturday morning grocery shopping trip this morning, and it abnormally went without incident. Normally one of us starts to get fussy about being there too long, but today neither one of us did. Hers was in part because she had found the cutest little hat, one I fully intend to stare at while eating 'shrooms to enhance the experience. And when I say she found it, I mean she literally found it. I had pushed through the baby area and stopped to look at one of the many outfits that I found adorable, and when I turned my attention back to her, she had snagged it off the hook it was resting on, had put it on her head, and was staring at me waiting for a reaction. I busted out laughing, and decided that hat would be good for her to wear outside to keep her albino skin from bursting into flames. So she wears the hat all through the store, eliciting responses from anyone with any amount of estrogen pulsing through their systems. Which reminds me,…

Emotional Rollercoasters

There's a blog that I have linked to my site called Boobs, Injuries, and Dr. Pepper, which, since I began reading it, have really enjoyed. Lately though her blogs have been really affecting me on a personal level. There are a lot of things that she is going through or has gone through that I can relate to, either through personal experience or because it's something I am constantly afraid I will experience. Her post from Wednesday That's my worst fear coming true. Now, her situation is a lot more extreme than mine is, but it embodies what I am scared to death of. She was represented by a crap attorney, I'm representing myself. Her baby daddy's family paid for an expensive attorney, my ex's family is paying for him to have an expensive attorney. She has experienced the injustice that can be handed out by police officers, and I'm definitely no stranger to what happens when you are no longer behind the Big Blue Wall. She was a single mo…

Britain Really Does Got Talent

So obviously living in the States I don't watch a whole lot of Britain's Got Talent, mostly because between American Idol, House, ER, and the whole slew of other shows I'm addicted to but only get an hour a week to watch, who has the time? But this evening while I was fixing dinner I had the Ellen Show on, and she played this clip of an amazing 13 year old boy that has the voice of an angel. I normally wouldn't have paid much attention, and I didn't hear the intro so I had no idea what was going on. All I knew was that I was grilling chicken, trying to keep The Smoodge from shoving all her refrigerator magnets UNDER the fridge, when a sound filled my small apartment that made chills run up and down my spine. I went in to see a startlingly young boy singing his proverbial pants off. I stood there hypnotized by this beautiful, pure voice. When he was done, I realized I had tears streaking down my face. I rewound the clip to find out what the heck was going on …


Yesterday I had to cancel my lunch meeting that would have been at Olive Garden because of the mandatory company meeting that I had to attend. What's even more frusterating than having to attend a mandatory company meeting? Attending a company meeting that ends WAY early enough for me to have kept my lunch meeting, that's what! BOOO!!! HISS!!!!!

Wednesday Wonderings

Can I just say that I am ROCKING the alliteration this week! What's up now?

Have you ever sat down to watch T.V. and think to yourself, I can enjoy about 15 minutes of not doing a damn thing before I need to take care of a few things before sitting down to a Spurs game and a glass of wine. Then you wake up 2 hours later feeling like someone slipped you a roofie, not knowing where you are, what time it is, how you got in this position, and where did your bra go? I had put the Smoodge to bed this evening and sat down on the couch to do just that at about 7:15pm, then woke up laying face down on the couch with my feet hanging over the arm at about 9:30pm. At some point during this bout of unconsciousness I had taken my bra off and flung it onto the coffee table. So I got all the affects of the roofie, but none of the fun. BOOO!

What is it about fresh cat litter that invites the psycho kitty to take the biggest smelliest crap ever? I change the litter this evening, because I lear…


I'm so sad.

Tomorrow I had set up a legitimate lunch meeting (as opposed to the lunch meetings I pretend to be on when I go to lunch with A.Shine) and the best part of it all was where it was going to be: The Olive Garden. I know I know, it has it's fault, everyone has their opinion, blah blah blah, but you can't tell me that the soup and salad with bread sticks phenomenon isn't the shizzle. Anyway, so yeah, Thursday has been the highlight of my week because this lunch was going to RULE! Even if the meeting sucked, it's a lot easier to pretend you give a crap when you've got ZuppaToscana on one side of your cheek, a bread stick on the other, and a forkful of yummy salad.

I had to cancel my meeting. You know why? Ask me why. Go ahead.


Hence, the I'm so sad.... :(

Payroll Apologies

My excuse for not blogging. Because payroll has taken a big straw and sucked my brain out through my ear...the right one to be exact. That, and another thing, but I'll have to blog about that some other time.

Too Tired To Title

Ah, alliteration at it's finest. I'm not sure which excites me more, the fact that I was able to make the alliteration out of the title, or the fact that I can remember that it's called alliteration when you do that.

First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY A.SHINE!!!

Don't you hate when you forget a friends birthday, even when you spend the entire week preceding telling yourself, don't forget, don't forget. Then the day comes and you have absolutely no idea until you read their blog and think, so much for all the reminders. To my credit, I did TRY to take her to lunch today, and I knew there had to be some reason for the urge to do so. So I'll just credit my subconscious for trying to turn me into a good friend :)

I bought a bottle of wine the other day, and when I say bottle, please understand that I use that term loosely, and only because I can't very well describe a bottle of wine as being an over sized juice box of wine. I was perusing through the wino…

Much ado

I've been in a funk lately that I can't seem to shake. Usually I can ignore it and pretend that things are fine, but recently it just seems that no matter what is going on, whatever this is is drawing it's life from every breath I take and keeping me from enjoying life. Things upset me more, stupid things that I shouldn't even care about, and normally wouldn't care about. People who I hold dear to my heart are annoying me, and it's about such stupid, trivial things that I should be able to reason myself out of the frustration I'm feeling, but can't. And I want to say something to them, to say, hey stop being so flippin' stupid, but then I think, if I say something, then I may lose their friendship, and that's not something that I'm ready to do. And it's not like I can vent about it here, because they read this, and the issues that are bothering me are specific to them as individuals, so they would know I'm referring to them, and…

Best Friday in a LOOONG Time

The day started fairly uneventfully. Work. Panicking over a set of checks that had been misplaced (NOT by me), panicking over a check that didn't get paid. Trying to figure out how to waste the remaining 45 minutes before noon. You know, the usual. Then once noon hit, I put on my T-shirt and tennis shoes and headed out with the rest of the work drones to the park for the company picnic. I didn't want to go, but I thought, oh what the hell, free food. So I went. I took my camera, which I'm glad I did, because I got to shoot again, and realized how much I really miss shooting sports. I didn't do very well, after all, it's been oh...2 years since I shot sports? but it wasn't bad. I'm actually uploading my images now, and maybe I'll link them so that others may point and laugh. So that was alright. Then, after the picnic, THAT's when the fun started. I headed out to Stone Works...or Werks...not quite sure, but it's a good time nonethe…

Tick Tock

Except much, MUCH slower. Today is only a half day at work, because we're being forced to co-mingle with each other in a park setting. Whatever. I'm bringing beer, I don't care what company policy is. Take that.

My stomach has been growling like CRAZY. I'm pretty sure that the FedEx building across the street can hear it, and are wondering what's up with the thunder on a cloudless day. There's probably at least one guy hiding in a closet reliving some boogey monster dream from his childhood. Seriously. I don't know when my stomach has ever grumbled this loud before, or for this long. And it's not the 'I gotta find a bathroom' grumbling, it's the 'I'm going to eat everything in sight' grumble. Which frightens me, because I'm not sure that's the attitude I want my stomach to have before going to a COMPANY picnic.

Because then I'm sure the 'eat everything' grumble WILL turn into the 'FIND A FUCKING B…

Feeling The Bile Rise

There is nothing, NOTHING, that makes the detritus rise in the back of my throat the way an old man who smells like old beer and looks like an extra on a porn set does when he's talking to whom I can only hope is his wife in baby talk, with his voice all high pitched and grating. Seriously dude, grow some nads and knock it off. Or at least go outside, because nobody, probably not even HER, wants to hear you speak like that. Ugh.


I'm cranky this morning. Like unusually so, more than the normal not a morning person crankies.

Like the next person that talks to me may very well end up on their backs as I write on their foreheads in black permanent marker.

Joe Pesci ain't got shit on me.

More Information

Than you could ever want to know about me. If you want to know your own info, go here and only enter the birthday information.

19 December 1980
Your date of conception was on or about 28 March 1980 which was a Friday.
You were born on a Fridayunder the astrological sign Sagittarius.
Your Life path number is 4.
Your fortune cookie reads: Grand adventures await those who are willing to turn the corner.
Life Path Compatibility:You are most compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 2, 4, 8, 11 & 22.
You should get along well with those with the Life Path numbers 6 & 7.
You are least compatible with those with the Life Path numbers 1, 3, 5 & 9.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2444592.5.
The golden number for 1980 is 5.
The epact number for 1980 is 13.
The year 1980 was a leap year.
Your birthday falls into the Chinese year beginning 2/16/1980 and ending 2/4/1981.
You were born in the Chinese year of the Monkey.
Your Native American Zodiac sign is Owl; your plant is Mistleto…


The Witch is Dead, Which ole witch? The WICKED WITCH!

No nobody died, I'm just having a little personal happy dance moment now that payroll is done. Nothing to see here people, keep moving.

Mixed Feelings

There are army men hanging out down by the pool my apartment overlooks, and I'm torn between two emotions. With the first I'm channeling my grandmother and resisting the urge to chase after them with a broom, it's 10:30pm and SOME of us are responsible adults, and you do NOT sing as well as you think you do (and after the third time, we GET that you don't practice Santaria). In the second emotion I'm sad, because I really want to join them in their drinking and merriment and camaraderie. I haven't had that in a long time, and at this point in my life I'm beginning to wonder if it's something I'll ever have again.

The man who came to look at my sofas the other night, which I blogged about here, called me again last night. I was right, he doesn't want to buy my couch, but he does want to bring me some wine and hang out one night. And I don't want to. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man, but this is one of those weird situations whe…

Sheer and Utter


Have you ever been so bored that you're skin crawls? Like actually crawls? You can feel it slithering along your bones, while your muscles tense and your spine begins to stiffen? Yeah. That's me, right now.

I shouldn't be bored. Actually, I should be doing my job, which keeps me plenty busy. Except I DON'T WANNA! I don't wanna and I'm bored because I don't wanna because it's the same stupid thing week after week after week after get the point. I DON'T WANNA!

That was a good little fit. Not the best I've thrown, but not bad for now. We'll see what I can come up with later:)

Slang o' the Day Redux

My sincerest apologies to those who have been sitting on the edge of your seats waiting for the Amish slang. But that's what me and the drug dealers have in common, we get you on the comeback.

Without further ado, Amish Slang...

It’s all
Origin: Amish Slang (Amish)
Definition: gone, finished, depleted
Example: I asked her for a pretzel, but she said, “It’s all”.

I'm sure it was all you hoped for and more. Tune in next time for Quaker Slang: The Legend and the Reality.

Slang o' the Day

My personalized Google page updates me on slang. You know, to make sure I can still communicate with them young whipper snappers. Anyway, today's slang included a term catorgized as Amish slang, which disturbs me. I'm not sure why, but the Amish are just a group of folk that in my mind shouldn't speak slang. It's almost like hearing one of the apostles say to Jesus, wuz up my nigga?

Soooo Tired

I didn't post anything on Friday because I thought with all that I posted on Thursday, surely you couldn't need a post on Friday. Instead I'll blog today :)
Yesterday The Smoodge and I went and had some pictures taken, and I have determined one very important thing: it is stupid to pay for pictures that I could do a better job on. I know, that sounds like that should have been an easy conclusion to come to, but the last time I did pictures with The Smoodge, she didn't want to look at me, only at the props, and when she did look at me, she couldn't see me because I was behind a beast of a camera, so she wasn't interested, and would go back to the props. I thought that maybe having someone else take the pictures would make for better shots, because then she could see me and would smile. Nope, not so. Instead, she just wanted to CLING to me like a refugee on a life raft in the middle of the ocean with her face buried in between my legs, because there was a st…

And Suddenly... life has meaning again.

The Best Resume EVER

One of the girls I work with recently showed me the resume I'm about to share with all of you. I couldn't keep this to myself, it was just too...much. What frightens me is that the resume was in response to a job posting for a sales repat a college business center. College. The future of this country. And without further ado....

Heritage Christian Academy
University of Texas at San Antonio '05- '06
Kingwood Community College '06-'07
University of Texas at San Antonio - current
San Antonio Communtiy College - current
Classification: Sophmore

GC Promotions:
Pokemon Tour Promotion
Caress Glow Promotion
Gilette Model Search Promotion
Attack Promotions:

That Darn Cat

I spent about 20 minutes last night trying to determine through a nose more plugged up than..well, insert metaphor here, you get the picture...what on earth that smell is. It smells a little like something is burning. So I'm thinking to myself how I can get both The Smoodge and the TV out at the same time, and have reasoned that The Smoodge can walk, grab the TV, but I just simply can't get over the fact that it smells like something is on fire. And I have no idea what it could be. Maybe a neighbor? But I don't hear any alarms going off. I didn't cook anything that evening, wasn't burning any candles. I didn't even have the humidifier in The Smoodge's room turned on. Then I thought maybe it was because I just got out of the shower, and I run my water only a degree lower than boiling, so maybe the water stunk? I sniff my hair, and nope, that's not it. Seriously, this is driving me crazy. So I get up and walk around, and don't notice anythi…

My Heart, it's all...


Killing Time

I'm trying to kill about 30 or so more minutes before I watch American Idol. I know I know, the show just started, I could watch it now. But I don't want to watch it now, I want to watch it while I work out, and while I work out I don't want to watch commercials, because then all I'll think about is the fact that I'm working out and I don't want to be. So if I wait about 30 minutes, then I can watch American Idol while working out and NOT watch commercials. Makes sense in my world.

So I'm surfing the web, killing my 30 minutes, and I've discovered a few things. The first of which is that A.Shine is creepy. Creepy in a 'I can see you right now' kind of way. Her post today had me checking my IP address and thinking, am I really going to her blog that much? I mean, I know I check daily, but is it creeping her out? But fortunately, it was not I that she blogged about today. I guess that would have made me the creepy one if it had been.....

Run That By Me One More Time?

So let me get this straight. You're giving everyone a half day on Friday to have a picnic with games and what not, but then everyone that comes has to be in charge of a game, thereby making it so that they can't play games.

Translation: Hey, today, once the sun reaches it's highest point and the humidity level really has time to peak, go do your work outside, but instead of doing your work, I want you to do manual labor while watching your co workers enjoy themselves.

Yeah, I'm gonna have to take a rain check on this one.

Always On My Mind

I've had this blog at the forefront of my thoughts today, mostly because I couldn't think for the life of me what I would write about. Go figure, it's a blog, and I've got writer's block. I'm not even a freakin' writer, how unfair is that?

The last couple of days have been pretty uneventful. I was on my death bed yesterday, fully convinced that I was going to smother in all the excess mucous my body was producing. And while I realize that may be a bit graphic for some of you, try living it. I got my TV mounted, which I am so thrilled about, I can barely contain myself. I even got the shelf put up that all the electronics will go on. And that's where I'm stuck. I can't figure out a good way to do all the wiring so that it looks nice and neat and not at all like the server closet where I work, which resembles a technological Medusa, and if you trip, there's a good chance it will grab you and integrate your brain into it's already m…