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4.14.2008

Too Tired To Title

Ah, alliteration at it's finest. I'm not sure which excites me more, the fact that I was able to make the alliteration out of the title, or the fact that I can remember that it's called alliteration when you do that.

First and foremost, HAPPY BIRTHDAY A.SHINE!!!

Don't you hate when you forget a friends birthday, even when you spend the entire week preceding telling yourself, don't forget, don't forget. Then the day comes and you have absolutely no idea until you read their blog and think, so much for all the reminders. To my credit, I did TRY to take her to lunch today, and I knew there had to be some reason for the urge to do so. So I'll just credit my subconscious for trying to turn me into a good friend :)

I bought a bottle of wine the other day, and when I say bottle, please understand that I use that term loosely, and only because I can't very well describe a bottle of wine as being an over sized juice box of wine. I was perusing through the wino section of Wal-Mart, actually looking for what I normally get, and this giant juice box containing 13% alcohol/volume leapt out at me from the shelves. And not only because of it's container. But also because it's a lime green color, which is one of my favorite colors in the world. I pick up this juice box of happiness and look at it for awhile, contemplating whether or not I should buy it or my usual, when I realized that this was not a moment for decision making. My basket would easily fit both wines, so the choice was simple. Both it is. So I get home after my shopping, put the groceries away, get The Smoodge to bed, and get myself ready to be delighted by the wine in the clever colorful container (more alliteration! I rock!). I go into the kitchen, get out a glass, and pull the wine out of the fridge. Now, I'm no wine connoisseur, but I do know you are supposed to sniff the stuff before throwing it back, and I do enjoy the smell of good alcohol, so I took the screw top cap off and took a big whiff. And almost threw up into the sink. It had the distinguished smell of fermented grapes and the same smell my daughter's butt emits when her diaper is ROWDY. I cough, then reason that perhaps it's because it's in a juice box container, and surely that's what I'm smelling. Maybe it was shipped next to rotten eggs or something. There's just no way that the actual liquid inside could be what's making that horrific odor. So I pour a glass. Thinking back now, I should have taken a sniff of it after I poured. And in thinking about it further, I think that's when you are supposed to sniff it anyway. Whatever, I put the ass in class, and I've never claimed any differently. Anyway, I did not sniff. Instead, I lifted, opened my mouth, and waited for the wonderfulness to hit my tongue. Bad f!@#ing idea, Bobby. My eyes immediately began to water, I had to resist the urge to spew that nastiness all over my newly cleaned kitchen, and I'm pretty sure that blood started to drip from my ears. It tasted EXACTLY AS IT SMELT. What a let down. Seriously. I'm pretty sure this is the same stuff that janitors in mental hospitals use to clean the toilets. I poured the glass down the sink with a look of sadness, but I can't bring myself to pour the rest out. I mean come one, it's still wine. And you never know when times are gonna be THAT hard. Or when some creepy guy claiming to want to buy your sofa comes over and asks for a drink while he's here. Anyway, here's a
picture of the bottle:

As you can see, it looks like it should be at the very least a good time. It even gives you ten reasons why you should drink it:
1. Because it tastes good. And I'm sure that's the case if right before you chug you were licking a dog's ass after a poo.
2. 33% more wine. How is that a selling point with a taste like that?
3. Lower shipping weight= less fuel emissions If I don't care about the ozone, can I have something that tastes good instead?
4. 96% wine, 4% packaging. Why waste $$ on packaging. A point I wouldn't argue with had they spent that money on developing the taste instead of getting high on glue
5. NO corked wine. Right. Because the truly great wines of the world are ALL screw top lids...
6. Wine to go-go! There's actually a picture of a girl dancing next to this one, and the only reasons I can come up with her doing that is because a) she's high on the glue or b) she actually drank a carton of this crap and now her ass is about to explode.
7. 1 Truckload of empty Bandit cartons=26 truckloads of empty glass. I really don't have anything clever to say about this, just didn't want to leave it out.
8. Made largely of Renewable Resources. If this is what has come of that whole Reduce, Reuse, and Recycle campaign, we got screwed.
9. You can toss it in your cooler. Or the trashcan...whatever is easiest to hide the shame in purchasing this junk
10. You can crush it on your forehead when you're done. Okay, now this one might be worth it IF I could drink it all. But I can't. So this is a moo point (holla FRIENDS).
They actually call themselves the Liberators of World Class Wine. LIARS! FABRICATORS!

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