Mixed Feelings

There are army men hanging out down by the pool my apartment overlooks, and I'm torn between two emotions. With the first I'm channeling my grandmother and resisting the urge to chase after them with a broom, it's 10:30pm and SOME of us are responsible adults, and you do NOT sing as well as you think you do (and after the third time, we GET that you don't practice Santaria). In the second emotion I'm sad, because I really want to join them in their drinking and merriment and camaraderie. I haven't had that in a long time, and at this point in my life I'm beginning to wonder if it's something I'll ever have again.

The man who came to look at my sofas the other night, which I blogged about here, called me again last night. I was right, he doesn't want to buy my couch, but he does want to bring me some wine and hang out one night. And I don't want to. I'm sure he's a perfectly nice man, but this is one of those weird situations where I can honestly say, it's not you, it's me. I don't want to go through the awkward dating scene. I want the comfort of a relationship that you've been in for a long time. And yes, I realize you have to go through the awkward dating scene first, but not necessarily. I have known 3 men in my life where there was that instant spark. The first was my best friend in college, Peter. The second was my ex husband. And the third, I'm not ready to discuss because I really don't want to deal with the raw emotion that accompanies it. There's no future in that, but the spark was there, the ease in which you can have a conversation about anything and everything and know that the person listening to you doesn't think you are crazy, even though it's only the second time you've ever talked to them. That's what I want again. And I'm most afraid that maybe I've hit my third strike, and I'm out.

Whoa, that got all sad and shit. Let's end on a lighter note shall we? So there's two muffins sitting in an oven, and one muffin looks at the other muffin and says, man it's getting hot in here. The second muffin looks at the first and goes, HOLY SHIT A TALKING MUFFIN!

Comments

Anonymous said…
wow, thats beyond deep. Hope you dont strike out on your third try:)
April 8, 2008 at 11:42 PM
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