Ranks Right Up There

I have done a lot of really dumb things in my life. A lot. In fact, I've probably done more stupid things in my life than I've done good. And I know I'll have to pay for that one day, which is why my mantra when people have told me that I'm going to hell is that the first one there buys the beer. So it's not gonna be a shocker, is all I'm saying. But today's stupid act is one for the record books. I'm not a reckless person, but I'm also a person that doesn't back down. It's important for you to know this about me, because it's going to relate directly to this post. If you tell me that the sky is blue, I'll argue how incorrect you are, and not only are you incorrect, but how also a real friend would have never let you leave the house dressed like that. I go for blood, and I'm in for the long haul. Hence how my strong headedness has led to today's stupid event.

I'm driving home, The Smoodge happily licking her toes and giggling in the backseat, when a car comes hauling ass up behind me and firmly maintains a 2 inch distance from my rear bumper. There was a car in front of me preventing me from either speeding up or getting out of the way of El Speedy behind me, and construction on either side keeping me from pulling off. So I maintained speed, slowing slightly because if El Speedy behind me decides to use his car as a battering ram I at least won't maintain any front damage. This apparently angers El Speedy because he then begins to back off me, then speeding back up to get as close as possible, repeating this vehicular representation of a toddler stamping his feet about three times. Then he starts in with the horn. I check to make sure he has no lights and sirens, and then proceed to slow down further. I'm not into unnecessary torture (well, okay, that's not entirely true), but this guy had ticked me off. The car in front of me pulls away, and that's when I decided to LIGHTLY tap my brakes so that El Speedy would know I'm acknowledging his impatience, and I don't give a flying fuck. He backs off to a much safer three inches from my bumper, and I travel the remaining 10 feet to my driveway. Mistake number one. I know, I probably made a billion other mistakes, but this is where I begin counting. Anyway, El Speedy decides to zip in next to me as I pull up to the keypad to enter the gate code. He rolls down his passenger window as I'm rolling down my drivers window, and since he's glaring at me, I return the favor. Our conversation went roughly like this:

Me: Hello, kind sir. And what might I do for you on this fine day?

El Speedy: Are you out of your fucking mind? What are you trying to do?

Me: I'm confused by your implications. I was driving safely along when you advanced upon me in an aggressive manner. I was simply trying to alleviate any and all traffic hazards that may have resulted in an accident.

El Speedy: Are you trying to get your car wrecked?

Me: Are you threatening me? (insert your own Beavis and Butthead voice here)

El Speedy: I am not threatening you. I am trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with you that you would slam on your brakes and try to cause a wreck. Are you trying to mess up your car?

Me: Again, sir, I have to ask if you are threatening me. Need I remind you that it was YOU who was riding my bumper, endangering myself and the vehicles behind you while you continually advanced upon me in a manner that indicated you had somewhere to be in a hurry, which clearly you do not because instead of continuing on your way, you've pulled over here and are engaging me in conversation.

I said that that was ROUGHLY how it went down. There might have been a tad bit more profanity (from me), and I may have said something along the lines of 'yapping your gap' instead of 'engaging me in conversation,' but you get the gist of what happened. Regardless, when he realized he was not going to win this argument with me, he changed his tune to 'I just wanted to make sure you were okay' and 'I just wanted to apologize for my reckless driving.' (no really, he did say that...honestly!) Anyway, I told him that I accepted his apology, and requested that he have a great evening. He left, and that's where I realized my stupidity. All this happened in the driveway to my apartment complex, and now he knows where I live.

Which is why I'll be spending the next two or three nights in the front seat of my car with a can of mace and an air-zooka. I'd just like to see him come back and try to jack with my car. Only once, mother-fuckah.


Catkins said...

OMG, M- that's hilarious! I wish I had been in the car with you when that happened. I bet I would have learned some new "vocabulary"