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3.27.2011

Insomno-maniac

I'm pretty sure that's not a word, but whatever.  It's late, I'm the only one reading this, and you're not the boss of me.

It's been several weeks now.  With the insomnia.  Ever since things got rocky at work.  Well that's vague as hell.  Since things got REALLY rocky at work.  Not the usual rockiness of my boss being about as stable as the tectonic plates surrounding Japan.  A new kind that I was familiarly unfamiliar with.  I'd seen it happen to others, but it was never displayed towards me.  Until several weeks ago.

Familiarly unfamiliar.  That sounds like a legit phrase until you type it, read what you have typed, and then you feel like you have lost your damn mind and swallowed your tongue.  But I digress.

Rocky at work, and the stress began.  Worrying about what this meant, and what that action could mean, and why would she say that, and all the while, do they know that I know?

Losing that job wasn't stressful.  At all.  Being in that job was stressful.  Working with *those* people was stressful.  The stress came from the potential unemployment.  Now the realized unemployment.  Sure, I've been unemployed before, but never with so much on the line.  I look back and think, I should have saved more, I should NOT have purchased that, etc blah.  Shoulda, woulda, coulda.  Bottom line?  DIDN'T.

I have insomnia because I don't want to go to sleep.  Because I survived today.  I know I survived today.  And if I go to sleep, then tomorrow comes.  And I don't know that I can survive what tomorrow brings.

Isn't that just about the stupidest thing you've ever heard?  Rationally, I know that whether or not I go to bed, tomorrow is coming with all it's ugly surprises and invasive expectations.  Irrationally, I convince myself that by staying up all night stalking people on facebook and their blogs and craigslist (oh my holy hell I can kill some time on craigslist) and news websites and the list goes on and on (however, if you have suggestions, I will totally take them) then I won't have to face whatever tomorrow brings.

Yes, I realize that tomorrow might be wonderful, and that I might get the job of my dreams that, oh by the way, pays me the paycheck of my dreams.  Or I find a lottery ticket that just so happens to have the mega-gazillions winning number on it (and yes, find, not buy.  I may not have saved up for this, but I'm sure as hell bunkering down now).  But when your pessimism has brutally raped and killed your optimism, leaving it for dead on the side of the road to be eaten by vultures and hungry hitch-hikers, it's hard to see that silver lining.

So I stay awake until I'm forced to bed.  Keeping my defeated self entertained with Hulu or the dumb crap people accidentally text to others.  Subliminally terrified that the one time today I laughed might be the last time I get to do that since tomorrow is going to be more brutal that I can stand.

So you know....there's *that*.

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