Damn Cat

I am not a quitter.  I'm really not.  And I've had pets all my life, and understand the importance and commitment of having and caring for one.  And when I got my cat, my horrible horrible cat, I thought it would be a good idea.  I though, self, get yourself a cat, for a lot of reasons.  One, it'll keep you company at night once The Smoodge is asleep.  Two, it'll be good for The Smoodge to have a critter around to help her learn how to be nice and all that other crap you're supposed to teach kids.  Three, a cat would be good in an apartment, and isn't icky like a fish, or weird like a lizard, or smelly (except for the litter, I had forgotten about the litter) like a rat or mouse (and The Smoodge would totally squish a rat or mouse), or need room to run like a puppy.  So I got a cat.  And he's very handsome.  And I suppose on some level I do love him.

But he.  Is.  A shit.

I CANT FIX THIS STUPID CAT!  There is something really REALLY wrong with him.  I had him neutered and declawed, hoping BOTH of those things would chill him the fuck out.  FAIL.  He EATS THE CARPET IN MY APARTMENT!  WHO DOES THAT?  He doesn't eat meat.  At all.  My cat does not eat meat.  I am ashamed.  He LOVES fruits and vegetables, and does not even like meat juice.  WTF?

I have, on numerous times, come perilously close to putting him in the dumpster and being done with it.  I'm not kidding.  I love him, but I love the bottom of my feet too, and when I step on a CARPET NAIL because that little son of a bitch has chewed the carpet down to the concrete and wood, it makes me want to find a potato sack, some rope, and a couple of rocks.  I've got the rope and the rocks.  He's lucky I can't find a sack.  He is SO close to being adrift in the safe harbor of my patience.

So please.  ANYONE OUT THERE.  How can I make him stop eating the damn carpet?  And if you dare tell me to use bittering agents, I will kick you in the neck.  He likes the way that tastes.  Sprinkle some pepper on the area, you say?  Nope, big fan of that as well.  

I like him, I really do.  I don't want to have to put him in the dumpster.  It stinks in there.  And he doesn't have claws, so he won't be able to fend for himself against the crickets and nutria.


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