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9.25.2008

Bouts

I'm kind of OCD. And I completely understand why. It's how I am able to control something in my life that is so utterly out of control. I have a schedule that I keep, and when something gets off schedule, when something that is supposed to happen doesn't, I tend to start to get depressed, and then I start neglecting other things, and I just let it spiral and spiral until I realize I'm at the bottom and force myself to crawl my way back to the top.

First it's my dishes. I stop doing my dishes. And I'm one of those people that has a dishwasher that I use as a drying rack because I don't believe it does a good enough job. So when I stop doing dishes, they just pile up in the sink. Then I stop picking up The Smoodge's toys and just let them kind of clutter up the living room. Then I let the laundry pile up. It just keeps getting more disgusting from there. The point is, I know when I'm starting to get into this depression spiral, and I can usually snap out of it by just doing the dishes, or picking up the toys, or whatever stage I'm at, by correcting it.

Right now I'm not doing my dishes, and the toys are all scattered. And the only reason why I can't add laundry to the list is because laundry isn't done until Saturday evening, so I'm not officially to that point until then. But if right now is any indication, it's probably a good indication that's where I'm headed.

I know why.  Most if it has to do with the limitations that have been imposed on me by my ex and the courts of Comal County that don't allow me to care for my daughter in the way that I should.  That sucks a lot of my will to live.  I can probably attribute part of it to the horrible Uterine Overlord and its insistence that it spin my hormone levels into a blender filled to the top with no lid.  And in spite of understanding all of that, I still let it happen.  

It's strange, almost as though the logical side of my being steps away from the emotional side and says, um, hey.  You're about to go nucking futs and this is why so let's not do that, m-kay?  And the emotional side goes, NO WAY, I'VE GOT A GUN AND I KNOW HOW TO USE IT. 


*in case you were wondering, I don't actually have a gun.  at least not one that i would ever admit to having in a public forum because then it could be used against me should anyone i talk about killing ever get shot.

**seriously though, I don't have a gun.  It's a figurative gun that my emotions are fond of waving about like a monkey in a knife fight.  so again, just to be clear, i don't own a gun.


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